My Love Affair

Hi, friends. I feel I know you well enough now to admit to something; something I don’t really like admitting – I’m having a love affair.

You see, I love the comma. That delicate, curvy, little piece of punctuation does something to me. I pepper my writing with it, and my Grammar Checker, bless its little soul, never complains. To demonstrate my obession, my loalty with it, so far, I’ve used 10 of them.

Now, these commas I’ve used all seem to make sense to me, and some of them may make sense to you. Some may not. I’ve always been taught to put a comma where your narrator would pause. Now, having given countless presentations and speeches, I can tell you, I pause often.

Sometimes, I pause for effect; like if I’m about to reveal, the secrets, of the world.

Sometimes, I pause because I’m tired.

Sometimes I’m in such a rush to get my thoughts out that I don’t use any punctuation except for the apostrophe because what is an apostrophe my friends but an elevated comma and we already know how I feel about those.

Now see, when I look at that sentence I just typed, I cringe. I see lots of places for my little sweetie to insert herself – oh yes, gentle reader, my comma is definitely female. She has a knack of slipping in wherever she’s needed, does what has to be done, and never asks for a thank you. She also has a tendency to slip in where she isn’t really needed, but wants so much to help, and she’s so beautiful that nobody can really say ‘no’ to her. If that doesn’t scream FEMALE to you, then I don’t know what does.

I digress.

So, back to that sentence up there: the one four paragraph marks above (don't get me started on those paragraph marks; they are insanely sexy, and I spend as much time with them as I do my comma). I want to rewrite it this way:

[i]Sometimes, I’m in such a rush to get my thoughts out, that I don’t use any punctuation except for the apostrophe; because, what is an apostrophe, my friends, but an elevated comma, and we already know how I feel about those.[/i]

See? My Grammar Checker loves that version. I think I like it too, but I think some of you may be cringing.

According to Strunk and White (Elements of Style), commas should follow these rules:
[list]
[*] In a series of three or more terms with a single conjunction, use a comma after each term except the last.
[*] Enclose parenthetic expressions between commas.
[*] Place a comma before a conjunction introducing an independent clause.
[*] Do not join independent clauses with a comma.
[/list]
Personally, I think these rules are too restrictive. I like my rule about the pauses. I know, gentle reader, that too many commas interrupt the flow of the writing, and can be annoying, and the very LAST thing I want to do is alienate readers I have worked so hard to cultivate.

Now, in that previous sentence, my Grammar Checker got upset at [i][u]I know, gentle reader, that[/u][/i]. It seems to think that no comma is needed between “reader” and “that”. But S&W’s rule two specifically states that parenthetic expressions should be set off by commas.

Do you see now, why I follow my own rules? Why I let the seductive curve of my comma’s body insinuate itself into my life?

How can I do without her?

How can you?